Keep In Touch

My dog has been doing this weird thing ever since I got home for Christmas break. She usually sleeps in my parents bedroom while I'm at college, but when I'm home I like to drag her in and cuddle with her at night. But she rebels. She insists on us leaving our doors open so that she can go from room to room in the house at night, spending a few hours with me, and a few hours with my parents--just to makes sure we're all still there. I have a dog who considers it a priority to keep in touch with her family. Score.

Soul Whispers

There's a certain peace you can find if you sit long enough by a body of water and just listen. If you are able to silence all of those rambling thoughts your mind is spitting at you, you can hear it. It's an inner knowing deep in your soul. And if you listen very closely, sometimes it is laced with whispers from the heavens. 

Coming Untrue

The winter can make us wonder
If spring was ever true
But every winter breaks upon
The Easter lily's bloom
Could it be everything sad is coming untrue?
Could you believe everything sad is coming untrue?
-Jason Gray

Just Because

My truck battery was dead. I left a dome light on, and I knew if my dad ever found out, I would never hear the end of it. The first person that popped into my head was an old friend from high school. I called him right away. He came, snickered at my headlamp, jumped my truck, and got back in his car to leave. I told him that I definitely owed him. "If there's anything I can ever do to pay you back, let me know."

"No Emily. Friends don't owe friends." 

It was that light-bulb moment Gru has in Despicable Me. 

Friendship suddenly made sense. 

It's that relationship where if they need something, you're always there--because you want to be. They're the first person you call when you need help, and you're the first person they tell when they get great news. 

I hate making obvious connections, but this is totally what Jesus does. He's that guy who did us a favor we can never repay him for. It doesn't matter though because we're friends with him, and "friends don't owe friends." But knowing he did that for us stirs inside of us a love for him. And so when he 'calls in a favor' to us, asking us to come with him, completely trust him, and follow him wherever, we do. Not because we feel like we need to since he died for us, but just because we want to. 

Swept Away by His Love

"I was carried to the table
Seated where I don't belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don't see my brokenness anymore
When I'm seated at the table of the Lord
I'm carried to the table
The table of the Lord."
-Leeland

Find Them In the Fall

There's just something about fall. Something about wearing vests and scarves. When you can curl up in bed at night with some hot apple cider and a book, and not be too hot. Being able to give hugs more freely, because body heat is more appreciated. Fall reminds me of the positive side to reality. I may be missing home like crazy, but I get to be on my own, having my own adventures and writing my own story. Those few moments that I find my identity again are so sweet. And I always seem to find them in the fall.

the water's great!

After dinner the other night, my dad brought a gift bag into the living room. "We got you a little something the other day and forgot to give it to you," he said. I pulled out a journal, a bouncy ball with a grape on it, and then a pair of sunglasses. They said Boise Bible College on them. WHAT? "This isn't from you!!" I screeched. My parents had just taken the credit for someone else's gift! How evil. My dad then handed me the painting above. WOW. The box my sister was sending me had finally come! "We accidentally opened it,"  mom lied. "Hey, before you go do whatever you do at night, come out and see the sunset." I walked out the front door and there, standing in all her wonderfulness, was my sister. She had driven hours just to come see me. I was shocked. It was pretty much the most surprised I've ever been.

We spent two wonderful days together, watching movies, kayaking, talking, singing, and eating. But the picture she painted for me was something I needed today. I leave for college in three days, and my mind is freaking out. I know what God wants me to do, and I know I'm going to the right place, but everything is new and different. Also, my mom and dad aren't there. And I'm not really sure I can sleep without my dog cuddled up beside me. But seeing this every day reminds me that I need to 'step out of the boat' and experience the life God has planned for me.

I want to walk on the water too.

To Whom It May Concern

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh
The way your kisses taste
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do
I've missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh I missed you
I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently

-The Civil Wars 

I could tell you a million reasons why I love this song, and The Civil Wars, but I think I'll let you decide for yourself. 

Still

"When the going gets tough, the tough BE STILL." -Jim Moon

I've had this quote written on a random page that's been stuck in my Bible for almost a month now. And every time I open my Bible, it seems to fall open to this piece of paper. I get so busy and so wrapped up in my own life that often I forget to put a hold on everything and just be. After all we're human 'beings.' Not human 'doings.' Right? Right...? Even today I was frustrated with myself because I don't feel like I'm doing enough. There are still two more weeks until I leave for college... and I literally have almost nothing to do. I've been filling most of my time trying to convince myself that I can paint... and failing. I always forget. 

(Another quote on the same piece of paper from the same person... during the same sermon. By the way, my hometown pastor is just the best!)

"We don't have to be ANYTHING but HIS." -Jim Moon

With all the pressure I put on myself, and all the pressure I let others put on me, I never remember. I'm always feeling like a failure. I'm not good at anything. Heck, I don't even know what I should do with my life. But wait... I just have to be His. God's. And really, isn't that the best thing? Ever?! 

Put Your hand over my mouth

Help me be quiet for a while

I talk so loud that I can't hear you

I blabber on just like a child

I worry about everything

Even though you know the end

And I can't seem to stop by busy life

Even for you, my closest friend

I want to be still

And know all that you are

I want to be still

And linger in your presence

I want to be still

And listen to your still, small voice

I want to be still

Still

I like to think that I am tough

I can do it on my own

But I end up broken and bleeding

On my face again before your throne

I want to be still

And know all that you are

I want to be still

And linger in your presence

I want to be still

And listen to your still, small voice

I want to be still

Still

I will be still

For you are God

I will be still 

For you are holy

I will be still

For I am Yours

            -Emily Weed 

I have this friend...

You see, there's this girl
She's not my actual sister, and yet she is at the same time
Our relationship is beauty that came out of a bad situation
A friend of a friend became a friend of a lifetime
God had us planned
I call her Kit-Kat, and she calls me Eminem
M&M's are her favorite candy--Kit-Kat's are mine
She and I can talk for hours
We spent an hour in the bathroom one night;
we got distracted while brushing our teeth
God distracts us all the time
We talk about Him the most
Kit-Kat is spirited, free, alive
She fits my family like the bottom sheet on a bed
She's been adopted even by aunts, uncles, and grandma
Even my dog, who she named Liberpee-pee
We go on adventures
Kayaking, climbing, riding
We sing to each other, we sing together
She's better than a boyfriend
I guess I just love her

Confused, Blah, and Barney

Confused and blah, the two words that have become my two new best friends since I've been home this summer. Confused is a constant companion, never leaving my side. It clings to me, and almost gives me a sense of security. On one hand, it makes me desire to explore life more, to dig deeper to find meaning. Other times it just leaves me tired of searching and never finding, leading me to my next friend.

Blah hasn't been as faithful in it's companionship. It seems to overshadow me right after I've worked out in the morning; right before I start the errands... the important things I have to do in the day. Blah makes me lazy. It says, "Oh, just go take a nap. Watch some tv." And much worse... "Go eat something! It'll make you feel better." It never does. It always makes me feel worse. When I begin to feel useless, unappreciated, and lonely, Blah comes running up to me, tackling me, and growing to a size that completely consumes me. So there I lay, blah smothering me like a blanket, and I stay there until a sunset, my dad, or something I've read drags me out of it. I know they're all employed by God.

I feel guilty for harboring these fugitives sometimes. They used to be strangers, but now they have become close friends. I'd rather keep them at a distance.

Barney from How I Met Your Mother often says, "Do you know what I do when I'm sad? I stop being sad and be awesome instead." Wherever this delusional world Barney lives in is, I want to move there. 

Loved, Lost, Lived

It's been a long cold night
Don't want to admit to lonliness
I'm fine on my own
But I still think about you now and then

And we both went different paths
And we've traveled different ways
Parting isn't always so cruel

And we're both different people
And we both had to change
Maybe it's better this way

I don't hate you
No it's not like that at all
I wish it would have turned out differently
But this is life and these are the choices that we've made

And this life is
Beautiful
Beautiful
Beautiful

Light Up The Sky

"Come on, you gotta come see the lightning!" My dad drug my reluctant body out of bed. I was so relaxed, so ready to drift off to sleep. But we grabbed some blankets and headed outside. 


At least one bolt every ten seconds. It seemed to be the storm of the year.

The lighting was about 10-20 miles away towards the northeast, licking the sand dunes with it's fury. Sometimes two or three bolts would hit the ground at the same time. Sometimes the lightning would branch from cloud to cloud, seeming to brighten the entire valley.

Dad started humming an old tune, one by Dolly Parton and Willie Nelson.


"When I see the clouds form a black summer windstorm 
That uproots the harvest and hurls it away
In the midst of such anger, destruction and danger
The storm's even beautiful in its own way."

Empty Space

My parents are painting and putting new flooring in their bedroom. The large room is completely empty, and has much better acoustics than anywhere else in the house. So last night I sat alone on the plywood with my guitar, and sang. I sang songs I needed to sing, with words I needed to hear. I strummed different chords, remembering song after song, some old, and some new. And then I remembered. It was a song I'd written the summer before, during pain, loneliness and heartache. Those same feelings were resurfacing, so as I watched the glowing sunset out the window, I sang the song that has become my prayer.

I know your love should be enough
I know I shouldn't need more
But I still yearn for what I've lost
I'm still bitter for the pain I bore

I know your arms are holding me
But they're only in my mind
I miss what was here, what was real
I guess healing takes some time

So don't give up on me
Please don't give up on me

Lord, I know you've got some plans
I'm not sure if this was in them
But it still hurts and all I'm longing for
Is someone to take my hand

So don't give up on me
Please don't give up on me

Pick me up and carry me
Into your undying love
Let your awesome grace surround me
Don't ever let me leave

...and don't give up on me.

Call My Name

I'm not who I am

And I'm far from who I want to be

Every ounce of me wants to pack up and leave

Maybe if I go away 

I can change into who I'm supposed to be

Only God knows who that is anyway

I can't stop the demons 

From breaking into my dreams

But they don't leave even after I wake up

And if I ever met the devil

I'd tell him that he failed

Even though he's almost killed me many times 

And I know you're not a drug 

And I know you're not a fix all 

But at least can you just hold me for tonight?

I miss being in your presence 

I miss knowing that you're near

And I'd give up everything just to hear you call my name

All the Best People

"Have I gone mad?"
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are." 

-Alice in Wonderland

I Have a Long Way to Go

    I'm reading a book called A Million Miles in A Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and he talks a lot about stories. He says that our lives are like stories, and we control how they're written. We can take the pen ourselves, give the pen to those around us, or give it to God to write our story. Even though one can write a story though, the character still can do whatever he wants. He also says that for a story to be interesting, to be a good story, the character has to change. There has to be an inciting incident that makes the character rethink his path, or change directions somehow. I'm ready for some change. I'm ready to make my life story a good one. 


"I am always tired
I won't sleep tonight
And I am all run dry
I can't turn off the light

Because all that I've been living for
Is a better way to make it
All that I've been living for is a dream
With the magazines and television
Calling out my name
All that I want lately is a change

The lights, yellow and white
Are all I'm thinking of these days
And time will change our minds
But not as fast as mine

And I found that I am not so strange
And I found that I have a long way to go

Because all that I I've been living for
Is a better way to make it
And that I've been living for is a dream
With the magazines and television
Calling out my name
All that I want lately is a change."
-Noah Gundersen 

I Won't Give Up

I'm a pretty big supporter of To Write Love On Her Arms. I've struggled with depression, self-injury, and suicide, and I love how TWLOHA is such a great resource for anyone going through tough stuff like that. Anyway, I was browsing their website tonight, and I found a video on their blog of Jason Mraz explaining the meaning behind his song I Won't Give Up (One of my favorites!). It love how real Jason was about his experiences, and how he somehow puts his emotions into song. I wish I could write music like that! Anyway, I just thought it was pretty awesome and wanted to share. Enjoy!

I Won't Give Up (VH1 Storytellers Sneak) - Music Videos - Live Performances

Sunset Struggles

I just got home for the summer yesterday. Tonight I went out to walk and watch the sun go down. There's fires in the mountains to the west, and massive thunderheads in the southeast, making for a glorious blood red and orange display. I found an old enamel soup bowl too while hiking our 80 acres. But mostly I complained.

When I take my beloved sunset-walks, I feel like I can talk to God like He's right there. And so I do. I ranted and raved, complained and accused, blamed and threatened. As if I have any right. I made up all these things that I was upset about. Not understanding choices people make, not knowing if He was real, being scared of life in general, and how it wasn't fair that I've never 'seen' Him. After all, it happened all the time in the Old Testament. Enoch walked with God. And what do I get? A book. And a feeling now and then. I'm supposed to base my faith in someone I can't see in these two things. I was pretty mad.

But then I realized.
Those were just cover-ups.

What I'm really bitter about is this. I have a lover, someone who loves me more than life itself. Someone who was willing to die for me. Someone who watches me every day, who knows me better than I know myself. He wrote me the most romantic letter I could ever receive. He's everything to me. And I can't be with Him. I can't hold His hand, cry on His shoulder, or hear His voice. That sucks.

I'm really missing him.

Don't Close Your Eyes

I hate waiting. I hate waiting for graduation, for summer, for college, for entering the 'professional' (or not) world, for having a family... I have very little patience. It seems like life won't start until those things happen. I always forget that life started a long time ago. I always forget to live.

I was in the shower the other day (where I have most of my epiphanies), with my music playing along with the falling water. Switchfoot was blasting, and the song was This is Your Life.

This is your life, are you who you want to be?

This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?

When the world was younger and you had everything to lose...

Am I really who I want to be? There are so many opportunities and possibilities ahead. So many dreams to make come true, and so many dreams still yet to dream. This is my life, and I get to be who I want to be. Situations and circumstances may occur, but I get to choose how they affect me. I love that God gave us the power of choice. We get to have our own personalities, our own likes and dislikes. 

So, this is life. This is it. And it's happening now. 

Someday, Someway, Somehow

I write because I don't have another choice. Somehow, my emotions come out best in writing, and posting it online seems to be another outlet... knowing someone else will someday read and just maybe understand. Someday things are going to get better. I'm going to be able to sleep at night without the horrible, crazy dreams. I'm going want to actually face my day in the morning. I'm going to be able to work out and be outside as much as I want. I'm going to find someone who really fits me, someone who truly knows me.

I'm so tired of not having all the answers. I have friends going through major relationship problems. Breakups, fighting, abuse, miscommunication, jealousy, anger... the list goes on. I don't have any of the answers. Sometimes I sit next to a girl who is either near or in tears, and I don't even know what to say. I don't have any of the solutions to my problems, and I certainly don't have any solutions to their problems. I feel so helpless, and yet so responsible. I feel like if I'm not the one there for everyone around me, who will be? Everyone in this world feels so alone... it's such a universal dilemma. And somehow I nominated myself to fix it.

It's so easy to forget to take care of myself. It's so easy to forget that I have feelings too. It's easy to bottle everything up and hide it all from the world.

It's hard to face it.

And I guess that's what brings me here. Writing about what bothers me, what brings me true joy and posting it where I know eventually it will be read... it brings some sort of release. A release of anger, pain, joy, euphoria. And through this selfish little blog, I'm sharing it with you. 

Forget like a Child

I cut my hair.

I cut it because I didn't know what else to do. Now I don't know what to do with my hair. I needed change. I needed something different. A good different to boost my mood. And it didn't work. All I'm ready to do right now is crawl in bed and do my homework. Read my new book. Drink a nice cup of tea. Forget about a piano lesson tomorrow that I'm not ready for. Forget about a huge evangelistic series sermon that I'm preaching Sunday, that is definitely not finished. Forget about how far I am from home, and how much I miss the mountains. Forget about boys, forget about drama, forget about everything but the simple.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:3

Dandelion Surprise

"You're really hard on yourself."

The woman's words forced me to stop. What? I thought. No, I'm not. I'm probably not hard enough on myself. I have good grades. I make sure to keep my laundry done, call my parents as often as possible, be there for my friends, keep a smile on my face stay on top of my homework, and work out to have the perfect body.

"You can't be perfect."

What is she talking about? Yes I can! Wait, no I can't. Where did I get the idea that I could? 


The clouds have been hanging around for almost two weeks now, not helping my mood very much. I stand, stretch, and look around. Not a mountain in sight. I miss home. The hills here make me feel trapped. At home, I can see for miles across the dusty valley. Here, I can barely glimpse the highway--only 1/4 of a mile away.

The rain starts. Washing. Cleaning. Renewing. I wish it would rain more often. I don't tell many people that. It's sunny and raining right now. One of nature's best tricks. I close my eyes and enjoy the warmth of the sun mixed with the cool wet drops that fall all around me. I can feel the soft dandelion weeds under my feet. Everything smells so fresh.

"Mom, I don't want to grow up."

"Em, I think you already have."

Ugh. No thanks. I didn't ask to get older! I didn't ask for responsibility, or to have all these emotions. I just want to be a little kid again. Not care how I look, or what anyone thinks of me. Innocence. 


Everything seems to be looming, waiting to crash down, and waiting for my decision. The fate of the world suddenly seems based on how I spend my summer, what college I attend, and what major I choose. And who made it this way? I did.

"Change is good."

I like things just the way they are God, thanks though. 


A book I'm reading tells me that I can't grow without changing. I need to trust where God is taking me, and be content with not living in my comfort zone. But I don't. I'm not. I prefer order. My idea of an adventure is a planned mountain climb, or a planned backpacking trip. I like knowing what to expect, and not being surprised.

But you know the plans. So since you're the pilot here, the guide, I guess I have to be ok with not knowing what's next, with not understanding everything that happens. But I'm still scared. 


"Life's an adventure. Are you ready to live yet?"

Don't Walk Away

      I was at the mall with my HOPE taskforce team yesterday doing random acts of kindness for strangers. The day was winding down, and as we talked about leaving, a girl caught our eye. She was all alone on a bench, sitting cross-legged in sweatpants and had her hair done up in a messy ponytail. She looked like she was about 25 or so, but her eyes had this haunted look to them. Our group leader suggested that one of us go and talk to her and see if we could cheer her up. But all of us shuffled by on our way to the door, none of us saying a word. As we walked by, I made eye contact with her and flashed a genuine smile. Her eyes were so empty, and her face was completely expressionless. I was so close... so close to going over and sitting next to her, and just asking if she was ok. But I turned my head and walked out the door, my feet dragging. My head was screaming at me to turn around and just go talk to her. But my legs kept moving me outside, down the street, past the runners, and back to the bus. 


I've thought about that girl probably 20 times today. I've felt alone so many times, and it would have meant the world to me to have someone show that they care. I have no idea what that girl was going through, or even if I would have made a difference in her life. But I wish that I would have at least tried.

What is it that scares us about putting ourselves out there? Is it that hard to step down from our podium of pride and lift someone up to where we stood? There's a quote by Ann Voskamp that says, "In the upside-down kingdom of heaven, down is up, and up, is down." If we want to grow in our relationship with God, we have to swallow our pride and stoop low. That's something God's going to have to work with me on, because I'm sure not there yet!

Tears From Heaven

I stared noticing lately. Everyone is hurting.

The quiet guy in the corner. The gorgeous popular girl who laughs all the time. The teacher who works tirelessly with students to help them learn. The kid spray painting graffiti on a bridge. The pastor preaching the message of salvation. The person you love the most in the world. The person you hate the most. 

We're all hurting. 

We're all struggling with some force unseen to the rest of the world. We're all battling. 

I think God's hurting too. 

How could he not? Watching us going through our lives, struggling to make it through the next week, the next day, the next class, the next hour... the next minute. The people he laid down his very life for are still living in a sin infested world where they are drowning in pain and anger. I know God cries.

But let me place an idea in your mind. 

What if every single person in the world who was hurting, looked at the person next to them. What if they tried to mend some broken hearts together, and repaired some damaged lives. 

Is is possible that by taking our eyes off of ourselves and reaching out to others, we could slowly change the world? Is it possible that by wiping the tears away from someone else's eyes, we could also wipe them away from God's?