Sunset Struggles

I just got home for the summer yesterday. Tonight I went out to walk and watch the sun go down. There's fires in the mountains to the west, and massive thunderheads in the southeast, making for a glorious blood red and orange display. I found an old enamel soup bowl too while hiking our 80 acres. But mostly I complained.

When I take my beloved sunset-walks, I feel like I can talk to God like He's right there. And so I do. I ranted and raved, complained and accused, blamed and threatened. As if I have any right. I made up all these things that I was upset about. Not understanding choices people make, not knowing if He was real, being scared of life in general, and how it wasn't fair that I've never 'seen' Him. After all, it happened all the time in the Old Testament. Enoch walked with God. And what do I get? A book. And a feeling now and then. I'm supposed to base my faith in someone I can't see in these two things. I was pretty mad.

But then I realized.
Those were just cover-ups.

What I'm really bitter about is this. I have a lover, someone who loves me more than life itself. Someone who was willing to die for me. Someone who watches me every day, who knows me better than I know myself. He wrote me the most romantic letter I could ever receive. He's everything to me. And I can't be with Him. I can't hold His hand, cry on His shoulder, or hear His voice. That sucks.

I'm really missing him.

Don't Close Your Eyes

I hate waiting. I hate waiting for graduation, for summer, for college, for entering the 'professional' (or not) world, for having a family... I have very little patience. It seems like life won't start until those things happen. I always forget that life started a long time ago. I always forget to live.

I was in the shower the other day (where I have most of my epiphanies), with my music playing along with the falling water. Switchfoot was blasting, and the song was This is Your Life.

This is your life, are you who you want to be?

This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?

When the world was younger and you had everything to lose...

Am I really who I want to be? There are so many opportunities and possibilities ahead. So many dreams to make come true, and so many dreams still yet to dream. This is my life, and I get to be who I want to be. Situations and circumstances may occur, but I get to choose how they affect me. I love that God gave us the power of choice. We get to have our own personalities, our own likes and dislikes. 

So, this is life. This is it. And it's happening now. 

Someday, Someway, Somehow

I write because I don't have another choice. Somehow, my emotions come out best in writing, and posting it online seems to be another outlet... knowing someone else will someday read and just maybe understand. Someday things are going to get better. I'm going to be able to sleep at night without the horrible, crazy dreams. I'm going want to actually face my day in the morning. I'm going to be able to work out and be outside as much as I want. I'm going to find someone who really fits me, someone who truly knows me.

I'm so tired of not having all the answers. I have friends going through major relationship problems. Breakups, fighting, abuse, miscommunication, jealousy, anger... the list goes on. I don't have any of the answers. Sometimes I sit next to a girl who is either near or in tears, and I don't even know what to say. I don't have any of the solutions to my problems, and I certainly don't have any solutions to their problems. I feel so helpless, and yet so responsible. I feel like if I'm not the one there for everyone around me, who will be? Everyone in this world feels so alone... it's such a universal dilemma. And somehow I nominated myself to fix it.

It's so easy to forget to take care of myself. It's so easy to forget that I have feelings too. It's easy to bottle everything up and hide it all from the world.

It's hard to face it.

And I guess that's what brings me here. Writing about what bothers me, what brings me true joy and posting it where I know eventually it will be read... it brings some sort of release. A release of anger, pain, joy, euphoria. And through this selfish little blog, I'm sharing it with you. 

Forget like a Child

I cut my hair.

I cut it because I didn't know what else to do. Now I don't know what to do with my hair. I needed change. I needed something different. A good different to boost my mood. And it didn't work. All I'm ready to do right now is crawl in bed and do my homework. Read my new book. Drink a nice cup of tea. Forget about a piano lesson tomorrow that I'm not ready for. Forget about a huge evangelistic series sermon that I'm preaching Sunday, that is definitely not finished. Forget about how far I am from home, and how much I miss the mountains. Forget about boys, forget about drama, forget about everything but the simple.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:3

Dandelion Surprise

"You're really hard on yourself."

The woman's words forced me to stop. What? I thought. No, I'm not. I'm probably not hard enough on myself. I have good grades. I make sure to keep my laundry done, call my parents as often as possible, be there for my friends, keep a smile on my face stay on top of my homework, and work out to have the perfect body.

"You can't be perfect."

What is she talking about? Yes I can! Wait, no I can't. Where did I get the idea that I could? 


The clouds have been hanging around for almost two weeks now, not helping my mood very much. I stand, stretch, and look around. Not a mountain in sight. I miss home. The hills here make me feel trapped. At home, I can see for miles across the dusty valley. Here, I can barely glimpse the highway--only 1/4 of a mile away.

The rain starts. Washing. Cleaning. Renewing. I wish it would rain more often. I don't tell many people that. It's sunny and raining right now. One of nature's best tricks. I close my eyes and enjoy the warmth of the sun mixed with the cool wet drops that fall all around me. I can feel the soft dandelion weeds under my feet. Everything smells so fresh.

"Mom, I don't want to grow up."

"Em, I think you already have."

Ugh. No thanks. I didn't ask to get older! I didn't ask for responsibility, or to have all these emotions. I just want to be a little kid again. Not care how I look, or what anyone thinks of me. Innocence. 


Everything seems to be looming, waiting to crash down, and waiting for my decision. The fate of the world suddenly seems based on how I spend my summer, what college I attend, and what major I choose. And who made it this way? I did.

"Change is good."

I like things just the way they are God, thanks though. 


A book I'm reading tells me that I can't grow without changing. I need to trust where God is taking me, and be content with not living in my comfort zone. But I don't. I'm not. I prefer order. My idea of an adventure is a planned mountain climb, or a planned backpacking trip. I like knowing what to expect, and not being surprised.

But you know the plans. So since you're the pilot here, the guide, I guess I have to be ok with not knowing what's next, with not understanding everything that happens. But I'm still scared. 


"Life's an adventure. Are you ready to live yet?"

Don't Walk Away

      I was at the mall with my HOPE taskforce team yesterday doing random acts of kindness for strangers. The day was winding down, and as we talked about leaving, a girl caught our eye. She was all alone on a bench, sitting cross-legged in sweatpants and had her hair done up in a messy ponytail. She looked like she was about 25 or so, but her eyes had this haunted look to them. Our group leader suggested that one of us go and talk to her and see if we could cheer her up. But all of us shuffled by on our way to the door, none of us saying a word. As we walked by, I made eye contact with her and flashed a genuine smile. Her eyes were so empty, and her face was completely expressionless. I was so close... so close to going over and sitting next to her, and just asking if she was ok. But I turned my head and walked out the door, my feet dragging. My head was screaming at me to turn around and just go talk to her. But my legs kept moving me outside, down the street, past the runners, and back to the bus. 


I've thought about that girl probably 20 times today. I've felt alone so many times, and it would have meant the world to me to have someone show that they care. I have no idea what that girl was going through, or even if I would have made a difference in her life. But I wish that I would have at least tried.

What is it that scares us about putting ourselves out there? Is it that hard to step down from our podium of pride and lift someone up to where we stood? There's a quote by Ann Voskamp that says, "In the upside-down kingdom of heaven, down is up, and up, is down." If we want to grow in our relationship with God, we have to swallow our pride and stoop low. That's something God's going to have to work with me on, because I'm sure not there yet!

Tears From Heaven

I stared noticing lately. Everyone is hurting.

The quiet guy in the corner. The gorgeous popular girl who laughs all the time. The teacher who works tirelessly with students to help them learn. The kid spray painting graffiti on a bridge. The pastor preaching the message of salvation. The person you love the most in the world. The person you hate the most. 

We're all hurting. 

We're all struggling with some force unseen to the rest of the world. We're all battling. 

I think God's hurting too. 

How could he not? Watching us going through our lives, struggling to make it through the next week, the next day, the next class, the next hour... the next minute. The people he laid down his very life for are still living in a sin infested world where they are drowning in pain and anger. I know God cries.

But let me place an idea in your mind. 

What if every single person in the world who was hurting, looked at the person next to them. What if they tried to mend some broken hearts together, and repaired some damaged lives. 

Is is possible that by taking our eyes off of ourselves and reaching out to others, we could slowly change the world? Is it possible that by wiping the tears away from someone else's eyes, we could also wipe them away from God's?