Call My Name

I'm not who I am

And I'm far from who I want to be

Every ounce of me wants to pack up and leave

Maybe if I go away 

I can change into who I'm supposed to be

Only God knows who that is anyway

I can't stop the demons 

From breaking into my dreams

But they don't leave even after I wake up

And if I ever met the devil

I'd tell him that he failed

Even though he's almost killed me many times 

And I know you're not a drug 

And I know you're not a fix all 

But at least can you just hold me for tonight?

I miss being in your presence 

I miss knowing that you're near

And I'd give up everything just to hear you call my name

All the Best People

"Have I gone mad?"
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are." 

-Alice in Wonderland

I Have a Long Way to Go

    I'm reading a book called A Million Miles in A Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and he talks a lot about stories. He says that our lives are like stories, and we control how they're written. We can take the pen ourselves, give the pen to those around us, or give it to God to write our story. Even though one can write a story though, the character still can do whatever he wants. He also says that for a story to be interesting, to be a good story, the character has to change. There has to be an inciting incident that makes the character rethink his path, or change directions somehow. I'm ready for some change. I'm ready to make my life story a good one. 


"I am always tired
I won't sleep tonight
And I am all run dry
I can't turn off the light

Because all that I've been living for
Is a better way to make it
All that I've been living for is a dream
With the magazines and television
Calling out my name
All that I want lately is a change

The lights, yellow and white
Are all I'm thinking of these days
And time will change our minds
But not as fast as mine

And I found that I am not so strange
And I found that I have a long way to go

Because all that I I've been living for
Is a better way to make it
And that I've been living for is a dream
With the magazines and television
Calling out my name
All that I want lately is a change."
-Noah Gundersen 

I Won't Give Up

I'm a pretty big supporter of To Write Love On Her Arms. I've struggled with depression, self-injury, and suicide, and I love how TWLOHA is such a great resource for anyone going through tough stuff like that. Anyway, I was browsing their website tonight, and I found a video on their blog of Jason Mraz explaining the meaning behind his song I Won't Give Up (One of my favorites!). It love how real Jason was about his experiences, and how he somehow puts his emotions into song. I wish I could write music like that! Anyway, I just thought it was pretty awesome and wanted to share. Enjoy!

I Won't Give Up (VH1 Storytellers Sneak) - Music Videos - Live Performances

Sunset Struggles

I just got home for the summer yesterday. Tonight I went out to walk and watch the sun go down. There's fires in the mountains to the west, and massive thunderheads in the southeast, making for a glorious blood red and orange display. I found an old enamel soup bowl too while hiking our 80 acres. But mostly I complained.

When I take my beloved sunset-walks, I feel like I can talk to God like He's right there. And so I do. I ranted and raved, complained and accused, blamed and threatened. As if I have any right. I made up all these things that I was upset about. Not understanding choices people make, not knowing if He was real, being scared of life in general, and how it wasn't fair that I've never 'seen' Him. After all, it happened all the time in the Old Testament. Enoch walked with God. And what do I get? A book. And a feeling now and then. I'm supposed to base my faith in someone I can't see in these two things. I was pretty mad.

But then I realized.
Those were just cover-ups.

What I'm really bitter about is this. I have a lover, someone who loves me more than life itself. Someone who was willing to die for me. Someone who watches me every day, who knows me better than I know myself. He wrote me the most romantic letter I could ever receive. He's everything to me. And I can't be with Him. I can't hold His hand, cry on His shoulder, or hear His voice. That sucks.

I'm really missing him.