Don't Close Your Eyes

I hate waiting. I hate waiting for graduation, for summer, for college, for entering the 'professional' (or not) world, for having a family... I have very little patience. It seems like life won't start until those things happen. I always forget that life started a long time ago. I always forget to live.

I was in the shower the other day (where I have most of my epiphanies), with my music playing along with the falling water. Switchfoot was blasting, and the song was This is Your Life.

This is your life, are you who you want to be?

This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?

When the world was younger and you had everything to lose...

Am I really who I want to be? There are so many opportunities and possibilities ahead. So many dreams to make come true, and so many dreams still yet to dream. This is my life, and I get to be who I want to be. Situations and circumstances may occur, but I get to choose how they affect me. I love that God gave us the power of choice. We get to have our own personalities, our own likes and dislikes. 

So, this is life. This is it. And it's happening now. 

Someday, Someway, Somehow

I write because I don't have another choice. Somehow, my emotions come out best in writing, and posting it online seems to be another outlet... knowing someone else will someday read and just maybe understand. Someday things are going to get better. I'm going to be able to sleep at night without the horrible, crazy dreams. I'm going want to actually face my day in the morning. I'm going to be able to work out and be outside as much as I want. I'm going to find someone who really fits me, someone who truly knows me.

I'm so tired of not having all the answers. I have friends going through major relationship problems. Breakups, fighting, abuse, miscommunication, jealousy, anger... the list goes on. I don't have any of the answers. Sometimes I sit next to a girl who is either near or in tears, and I don't even know what to say. I don't have any of the solutions to my problems, and I certainly don't have any solutions to their problems. I feel so helpless, and yet so responsible. I feel like if I'm not the one there for everyone around me, who will be? Everyone in this world feels so alone... it's such a universal dilemma. And somehow I nominated myself to fix it.

It's so easy to forget to take care of myself. It's so easy to forget that I have feelings too. It's easy to bottle everything up and hide it all from the world.

It's hard to face it.

And I guess that's what brings me here. Writing about what bothers me, what brings me true joy and posting it where I know eventually it will be read... it brings some sort of release. A release of anger, pain, joy, euphoria. And through this selfish little blog, I'm sharing it with you. 

Forget like a Child

I cut my hair.

I cut it because I didn't know what else to do. Now I don't know what to do with my hair. I needed change. I needed something different. A good different to boost my mood. And it didn't work. All I'm ready to do right now is crawl in bed and do my homework. Read my new book. Drink a nice cup of tea. Forget about a piano lesson tomorrow that I'm not ready for. Forget about a huge evangelistic series sermon that I'm preaching Sunday, that is definitely not finished. Forget about how far I am from home, and how much I miss the mountains. Forget about boys, forget about drama, forget about everything but the simple.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:3