Call My Name

I'm not who I am

And I'm far from who I want to be

Every ounce of me wants to pack up and leave

Maybe if I go away 

I can change into who I'm supposed to be

Only God knows who that is anyway

I can't stop the demons 

From breaking into my dreams

But they don't leave even after I wake up

And if I ever met the devil

I'd tell him that he failed

Even though he's almost killed me many times 

And I know you're not a drug 

And I know you're not a fix all 

But at least can you just hold me for tonight?

I miss being in your presence 

I miss knowing that you're near

And I'd give up everything just to hear you call my name

All the Best People

"Have I gone mad?"
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are." 

-Alice in Wonderland

I Have a Long Way to Go

    I'm reading a book called A Million Miles in A Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and he talks a lot about stories. He says that our lives are like stories, and we control how they're written. We can take the pen ourselves, give the pen to those around us, or give it to God to write our story. Even though one can write a story though, the character still can do whatever he wants. He also says that for a story to be interesting, to be a good story, the character has to change. There has to be an inciting incident that makes the character rethink his path, or change directions somehow. I'm ready for some change. I'm ready to make my life story a good one. 


"I am always tired
I won't sleep tonight
And I am all run dry
I can't turn off the light

Because all that I've been living for
Is a better way to make it
All that I've been living for is a dream
With the magazines and television
Calling out my name
All that I want lately is a change

The lights, yellow and white
Are all I'm thinking of these days
And time will change our minds
But not as fast as mine

And I found that I am not so strange
And I found that I have a long way to go

Because all that I I've been living for
Is a better way to make it
And that I've been living for is a dream
With the magazines and television
Calling out my name
All that I want lately is a change."
-Noah Gundersen 

I Won't Give Up

I'm a pretty big supporter of To Write Love On Her Arms. I've struggled with depression, self-injury, and suicide, and I love how TWLOHA is such a great resource for anyone going through tough stuff like that. Anyway, I was browsing their website tonight, and I found a video on their blog of Jason Mraz explaining the meaning behind his song I Won't Give Up (One of my favorites!). It love how real Jason was about his experiences, and how he somehow puts his emotions into song. I wish I could write music like that! Anyway, I just thought it was pretty awesome and wanted to share. Enjoy!

I Won't Give Up (VH1 Storytellers Sneak) - Music Videos - Live Performances

Sunset Struggles

I just got home for the summer yesterday. Tonight I went out to walk and watch the sun go down. There's fires in the mountains to the west, and massive thunderheads in the southeast, making for a glorious blood red and orange display. I found an old enamel soup bowl too while hiking our 80 acres. But mostly I complained.

When I take my beloved sunset-walks, I feel like I can talk to God like He's right there. And so I do. I ranted and raved, complained and accused, blamed and threatened. As if I have any right. I made up all these things that I was upset about. Not understanding choices people make, not knowing if He was real, being scared of life in general, and how it wasn't fair that I've never 'seen' Him. After all, it happened all the time in the Old Testament. Enoch walked with God. And what do I get? A book. And a feeling now and then. I'm supposed to base my faith in someone I can't see in these two things. I was pretty mad.

But then I realized.
Those were just cover-ups.

What I'm really bitter about is this. I have a lover, someone who loves me more than life itself. Someone who was willing to die for me. Someone who watches me every day, who knows me better than I know myself. He wrote me the most romantic letter I could ever receive. He's everything to me. And I can't be with Him. I can't hold His hand, cry on His shoulder, or hear His voice. That sucks.

I'm really missing him.

Don't Close Your Eyes

I hate waiting. I hate waiting for graduation, for summer, for college, for entering the 'professional' (or not) world, for having a family... I have very little patience. It seems like life won't start until those things happen. I always forget that life started a long time ago. I always forget to live.

I was in the shower the other day (where I have most of my epiphanies), with my music playing along with the falling water. Switchfoot was blasting, and the song was This is Your Life.

This is your life, are you who you want to be?

This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?

When the world was younger and you had everything to lose...

Am I really who I want to be? There are so many opportunities and possibilities ahead. So many dreams to make come true, and so many dreams still yet to dream. This is my life, and I get to be who I want to be. Situations and circumstances may occur, but I get to choose how they affect me. I love that God gave us the power of choice. We get to have our own personalities, our own likes and dislikes. 

So, this is life. This is it. And it's happening now. 

Someday, Someway, Somehow

I write because I don't have another choice. Somehow, my emotions come out best in writing, and posting it online seems to be another outlet... knowing someone else will someday read and just maybe understand. Someday things are going to get better. I'm going to be able to sleep at night without the horrible, crazy dreams. I'm going want to actually face my day in the morning. I'm going to be able to work out and be outside as much as I want. I'm going to find someone who really fits me, someone who truly knows me.

I'm so tired of not having all the answers. I have friends going through major relationship problems. Breakups, fighting, abuse, miscommunication, jealousy, anger... the list goes on. I don't have any of the answers. Sometimes I sit next to a girl who is either near or in tears, and I don't even know what to say. I don't have any of the solutions to my problems, and I certainly don't have any solutions to their problems. I feel so helpless, and yet so responsible. I feel like if I'm not the one there for everyone around me, who will be? Everyone in this world feels so alone... it's such a universal dilemma. And somehow I nominated myself to fix it.

It's so easy to forget to take care of myself. It's so easy to forget that I have feelings too. It's easy to bottle everything up and hide it all from the world.

It's hard to face it.

And I guess that's what brings me here. Writing about what bothers me, what brings me true joy and posting it where I know eventually it will be read... it brings some sort of release. A release of anger, pain, joy, euphoria. And through this selfish little blog, I'm sharing it with you.