Dandelion Surprise

"You're really hard on yourself."

The woman's words forced me to stop. What? I thought. No, I'm not. I'm probably not hard enough on myself. I have good grades. I make sure to keep my laundry done, call my parents as often as possible, be there for my friends, keep a smile on my face stay on top of my homework, and work out to have the perfect body.

"You can't be perfect."

What is she talking about? Yes I can! Wait, no I can't. Where did I get the idea that I could? 


The clouds have been hanging around for almost two weeks now, not helping my mood very much. I stand, stretch, and look around. Not a mountain in sight. I miss home. The hills here make me feel trapped. At home, I can see for miles across the dusty valley. Here, I can barely glimpse the highway--only 1/4 of a mile away.

The rain starts. Washing. Cleaning. Renewing. I wish it would rain more often. I don't tell many people that. It's sunny and raining right now. One of nature's best tricks. I close my eyes and enjoy the warmth of the sun mixed with the cool wet drops that fall all around me. I can feel the soft dandelion weeds under my feet. Everything smells so fresh.

"Mom, I don't want to grow up."

"Em, I think you already have."

Ugh. No thanks. I didn't ask to get older! I didn't ask for responsibility, or to have all these emotions. I just want to be a little kid again. Not care how I look, or what anyone thinks of me. Innocence. 


Everything seems to be looming, waiting to crash down, and waiting for my decision. The fate of the world suddenly seems based on how I spend my summer, what college I attend, and what major I choose. And who made it this way? I did.

"Change is good."

I like things just the way they are God, thanks though. 


A book I'm reading tells me that I can't grow without changing. I need to trust where God is taking me, and be content with not living in my comfort zone. But I don't. I'm not. I prefer order. My idea of an adventure is a planned mountain climb, or a planned backpacking trip. I like knowing what to expect, and not being surprised.

But you know the plans. So since you're the pilot here, the guide, I guess I have to be ok with not knowing what's next, with not understanding everything that happens. But I'm still scared. 


"Life's an adventure. Are you ready to live yet?"

Don't Walk Away

      I was at the mall with my HOPE taskforce team yesterday doing random acts of kindness for strangers. The day was winding down, and as we talked about leaving, a girl caught our eye. She was all alone on a bench, sitting cross-legged in sweatpants and had her hair done up in a messy ponytail. She looked like she was about 25 or so, but her eyes had this haunted look to them. Our group leader suggested that one of us go and talk to her and see if we could cheer her up. But all of us shuffled by on our way to the door, none of us saying a word. As we walked by, I made eye contact with her and flashed a genuine smile. Her eyes were so empty, and her face was completely expressionless. I was so close... so close to going over and sitting next to her, and just asking if she was ok. But I turned my head and walked out the door, my feet dragging. My head was screaming at me to turn around and just go talk to her. But my legs kept moving me outside, down the street, past the runners, and back to the bus. 


I've thought about that girl probably 20 times today. I've felt alone so many times, and it would have meant the world to me to have someone show that they care. I have no idea what that girl was going through, or even if I would have made a difference in her life. But I wish that I would have at least tried.

What is it that scares us about putting ourselves out there? Is it that hard to step down from our podium of pride and lift someone up to where we stood? There's a quote by Ann Voskamp that says, "In the upside-down kingdom of heaven, down is up, and up, is down." If we want to grow in our relationship with God, we have to swallow our pride and stoop low. That's something God's going to have to work with me on, because I'm sure not there yet!

Tears From Heaven

I stared noticing lately. Everyone is hurting.

The quiet guy in the corner. The gorgeous popular girl who laughs all the time. The teacher who works tirelessly with students to help them learn. The kid spray painting graffiti on a bridge. The pastor preaching the message of salvation. The person you love the most in the world. The person you hate the most. 

We're all hurting. 

We're all struggling with some force unseen to the rest of the world. We're all battling. 

I think God's hurting too. 

How could he not? Watching us going through our lives, struggling to make it through the next week, the next day, the next class, the next hour... the next minute. The people he laid down his very life for are still living in a sin infested world where they are drowning in pain and anger. I know God cries.

But let me place an idea in your mind. 

What if every single person in the world who was hurting, looked at the person next to them. What if they tried to mend some broken hearts together, and repaired some damaged lives. 

Is is possible that by taking our eyes off of ourselves and reaching out to others, we could slowly change the world? Is it possible that by wiping the tears away from someone else's eyes, we could also wipe them away from God's? 

Souvenirs

I remember waking up in the middle of the night as a little girl, and being super scared. I'd run to my parents room with a pillow and a blanket, and sleep on the floor by their bed. It made me feel safe. I knew that if I was near them, I would be ok.

I remember going mountain biking with my family, riding my pink little barbie bike. I remember tumbling head over heels down a steep gravel hill and getting scraped up from head to toe. We took pictures and rode on.

I remember the stern look on my dad's face as he told me to climb. I looked down from 60 feet to my parents, both standing below. I didn't want to go higher, and yet I did at the same time. "Go up!" my parents yelled up to me. And so with their encouraging words, I drug my tired 9 year old body up the rest of the climb.

I remember standing under our metal carport in Texas, hearing the rain thunder down around me. The lightning was blinding, and the thunder almost deafening. I remember feeling alive.

I remember a Christmas a few years ago when it seemed like my entire world was crashing. I remember sitting with my dad by the tree, finally breaking down. He held me for over an hour as I cried.

I remember the day I first heard God telling me to do something. I remember the phone call. And the pain and tears for months afterwards.

I remember late nights after I would come home for the weekend from school. My mom and I would lay in bed and talk for hours, finally catching up on everything we had missed.

I remember the jamming sessions. Him and I and our guitars, rocking out together.

I remember. And I will keep these memories as my souvenirs.

Reality Check

You complain about a monster

Who lives deep inside me still

You leave your doubt behind

As you move in for the kill

You let nothing hold you back

You hold your ears at my screams

You couldn't possibly be wrong

You're perfect, so it seems

If you looked under the surface

Into every hidden part

Would you find what you expect

In your cold and stony heart?

Are you happy with your choices?

Are you content with what you've found?

Or is true ecstasy of yours

Buried deep beneath the ground? 

Unsatisfied

When will it be enough? When will there be enough death? Is there some sick quota that must be met?

When will the hurt stop? Will the ache ever disappear? Is there no one that will always be there?

What's wrong with me? Am I going crazy? 

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them... and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."" -Revelation 21: 3,4

THIS is what I cling to. THIS is my hope. 

Pondering

I've been writing a lot lately. I guess it's a good way to express my emotions in a healthy way. Like the other day, there were a few people I just really wanted to scream at. And I did! But they weren't really there. I just pretended they were. Honestly, the past few months have been really rough. Stress, anger and hurt have been building up to the point where I should have reached a breaking point. I haven't yet... I'm not sure if that's a good thing yet or not. I'd forgotten how hard it was to deal with rejection and what feels a lot like betrayal. It's been a while. But now I'm learning who to trust. As painful as it's been... it's been good. Let me explain.

I kinda had my chest ripped open, and my heart torn out by some people I was very close to. When that happened, I realized there had been some things I had pushed to the side, and not dealt with. I had shoved them to the very back of my heart hoping to forget about them. Well it worked for a while! (Stay with me on the 'heart ripped out metaphor) So it was kinda like I had to examine everything. I'm having to deal with a bunch of things I thought I was done with. Actually, having to deal with the 'forgotten' stuff has made it so much harder. But at least it's a work in progress.

It's taken a number on my spiritual life as well. Not to offend or creep out(I'm rather blunt as you'll come to find), but I've been having Satan attack me using every angle possible. I always thought it was the really different people who were attacked and afflicted by this kinda stuff. But the closer I get to God, the more I'm seeing a battle between the light and the dark.... and that battle is over me. My life. My commitment. My soul.
Creepy, scary... but cool at the same time.

Even though I've had good come out of this whole mess, unfortunately it doesn't make it any easier. It still hurts. A lot. It's still taking all my strength to keep standing. There are so many times when I'm so ready to give up. I'm ready to just throw in the towel, and say, "I just can't do it. I'm not strong enough." But then I have to remember that God is. He's way stronger than me. But you know what? It still hurts. There's still pain that's buried deep. And it doesn't seem to be going away.

"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord." -Psalm 27:14