waking up

And do you feel that resilience way deep down inside,
though your bones may ache and your head may pound,
that there is still more to see, more to learn, more to do,
That You won't be defeated lying down.

sick day

I skipped clinicals today. Well, I didn't skip... I was excused. I woke up sick this morning and made the executive decision to call in to my instructor and sleep off the pounding headache and the itchy sore throat. When I opened my eyes again, it was 10:30 a.m. and the sunlight was filtering through my blinds. I lay there looking across the peaceful quiet of my room. Everything was in it's place.

Being sick today was a major blessing.

There is something so peaceful about waking up and feeling no pressure to do anything or please anyone.  I held on to the quiet moments as I made a latte and sat down with a book (a non-school book, hooray!) and some Jadon Lavik hymn remakes. Eventually  I buckled down and did some homework, but I kept remembering something that an aunt of mine used to tell me. Something about how getting sick was God's way of telling us to slow down in life, to stop pushing ourselves so hard.

Nursing school is full of pushing. Your parents push you, your classmates push you, your instructors push you, and goodness, you push yourself. You always have to do better, be a better nurse because people's lives are in your hands. But there's a point that when you're pushed so much that you get pushed down instead of being pushed forward. And that's when it's time to take a moment. Breathe. Have some coffee. Spend time with the Creator. Enjoy the morning sunshine.


 

to catch you up

Warning: this is just a life update. Not deep or insightful or anything.
It seems as if I begin each journal entry, each email and each blog post with, "I moved to such-and-such city last month." or "I'm dating someone amazing." And my personal favorite, "I GOT ENGAGED!!!... Several months ago." I'm horrible at updating everything and everyone. Thank goodness that Facebook lets me update my relationship status.

I'm engaged by the way. No big deal. (Super big deal.) And moved to Portland.

This is where he asked me to marry him--Bridal Veil Falls in the Columbia River Gorge.

 The rock we're standing on stuck out into the middle of the river, putting us close enough to feel the spray from the falls. Here's the perspective from downstream; the waterfall is just around the corner on the right.

It was awesome. And the man I'm marrying is awesome too! I'm so blessed.

I'm in my junior year of nursing school right now and loving (almost) every second of it. It's a wonderful thing when you know you're right where you need to be. I've been learning so much about so many things and I'm finally starting to feel like I know a little bit about how the human body works. It's about time!

I've also been learning a lot about myself the past several months. A few things on the list:
-I have anxiety.
-If I don't control my anxiety by keeping my mind and body healthy, school is really hard.
-I really like The Office.
-Despite being an introvert, I do enjoy having friends. And I need to spend time with them.
-I'm a hypochondriac. (Not actually new.)
-I self-diagnose constantly in nursing school. (Newer.)
-I've got to be OK with who I am whether I have that diagnosis or not. (Newest.)
-I miss owning a dog.
-I'm hopelessly in love. (Not a new thing, but I'm reminded again every day!)
-Wedding planning is really stressful--and hard!. (I have a man and a dress. Isn't that enough?)
-Portland, while hipster and full of coffee, isn't that great. What is this 'sun' anyway?
-I love being ultra-organized. And planning for everything.
-I love making lists.

I've probably learned more. Goodness, I hope I have. But when I read posts from other bloggers about how they're struggling and succeeding in life, it makes me feel connected somehow. It's nice to know I'm not alone. You're not either.

"Sometime smiling is the best act of defiance, 
and sometimes asking for help is the most meaningful form of self-reliance. 
Sometimes the best medicine is just to laugh until you cry,
and sometimes the greatest wisdom comes from accepting you will just never know why. 
Sometimes just going to bed is the best antidote to trials and tribulations,
and sometimes just being blessed to get up again and face it all, 
for one more day, 
is worthy of celebration." -Unknown

notes of encouragement.

I needed some of these verses today. I'm guessing it's never a bad day to hear these words. Peace. Don't we all need it now? 

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33 

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6 

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distress, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 
-2 Corinthians 12:9,10

"Peace be with you; as the Father has sent Me, I also send you." -John 20:21

"When Heaven Weeps"

"What a terrible thing it is for children to see death, you say. We have it all wrong. If you make a child terrified of death, he won't embrace it so easily. And death must be embraced if you wish to follow Christ. Listen to his teaching. 'Unless you become like a child... and unless you take up your cross daily, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.' One is not valuable without the other."

-Ted Dekker

All Things In Common!

This is an excerpt from the article "5 Churchy Phrases that are Scaring Off Millennials" by Addie Zierman. Below is one of the phrases and an explanation of it that I resonated with.

(You can read the whole article here.)

"“God is in control . . . has a plan . . . works in mysterious ways”

Chances are we believe this is true. But it’s the last thing we want to hear when something goes horribly wrong in our life. We are drawn to the Jesus who sits down with the down-and-out woman at the well. Who touches the leper, the sick, the hurting. Who cries when Lazarus is found dead…even though he is in control and has a plan to bring Lazarus back to life.

You’ve heard us say that we like Jesus but not the church, and it’s not because we’re trying to be difficult. It’s because the Jesus we read about enters into the pain of humanity where so often the church people seem to want to float above it."

And she draws everything together in conclusion...

 "In the end, it’s not really about what churches say or don’t say. What millennials want is to be seen. Understood. Loved. It’s what everyone wants, really. And for this generation of journeyers? Choosing honesty over cliché is a really great place to start."

I'm not really sure I need to elaborate. But this tugs at my heart. There's something so beautiful and raw about embracing the pain instead of pretending it's not there. Sometimes we don't want an answer--we just want to be held, and we want someone to cry with us. Jesus did that... Jesus does that! I would love to see churches crying, laughing, praising...together.

"Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles. And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and [i]sincerity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding [j]to their number day by day those who were being saved." -Acts 2:43-47

I've Been Inside Too Long

                           

Never Forsake

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling like a conqueror today. This entire week has consisted of me continuously lifting my hands to the heavens, in defeat, frustration, prayer, all turning into praise. Oh, God is so good! Every time I put something in God's hands this week, He immediately took my gift and did something with it. Worries were replaced with peace. My empty mind replaced with knowledge. My worn body replaced with the energy of a 6 year old. 

So I personalized Romans 8:35-37 today: 

What can separate me from the love of Christ?

Will homework?

Will midterms?

Will sickness?

Will career choices?

Will discouragement?

Will exhaustion?

Will my human-ness?

But in all these things I overwhelmingly conquered because of Him--He loves me. 

The soul that is trusting in Jesus as Lord

Will press on enduring the darkest of storm

And though even hell should endeavor to shake

He'll never

No, never

No, never forsake! 

How firm our foundation!

How sure our salvation!

And we won't be shaken.

How firm our foundation! 

I'm overwhelmed. 

It's Fall Now

I think the calendar actually said that it's already fall
but the air smells like fall tonight
and that is more convincing to me.

Indeed the Savior of the World

I'm packing again. After barely four weeks of being at home, it's time again. Time to go back to school, back to work, back to Washington.

Almost every morning for the past few weeks I've been able to sit down at the bar in mom's kitchen with a hot cup of tea. I've claimed the bar as my own since I've been home. My Bible, computer, phone, headphones, journal, and numerous dirty mugs cover the area. Oh, and pens. Lots of pens. I need to use a different color everyday, even if it's just switching back and forth from blue to black. 

Today was black. 

"It is no longer because of what you said that we believe, for we have heard for ourselves and know that this One is indeed the Savior of the world." -John 4:42

When I first read this, my heart jumped in my chest. There's something so incredibly amazing about what these people were saying. The Samaritan woman had been telling the people of her town about Jesus: who he was, what he looked like, what he did. But something happened. Something changed. They met him for themselves and everything was different. Their concept of Jesus no longer went through the eyes of the Samaritan, but they saw with their own wide-open eyes. He wasn't just a story they heard on the street. He was there, in front of them, and real. 

Thrive

I've been working at a summer camp in western Washington for the past few weeks, and I'll be here for most of the summer. It's been an amazing experience so far. I traveled by myself to start a job where I didn't know any of my coworkers, and had only met my boss once (and I had forgotten what he looked like in the process). But being here, by myself essentially, has been one of the most fulfilling things I've done. And camp has just started.

Today is my first 'day off' in about 2 weeks. I promised myself that I'd go running this morning. However, in my hurry to leave camp and find some form of coffee, I forgot. I'm learning to forgive myself for things like that. I'm learning to find balance between social time and 'me' time. I'm learning to take advantage of the opportunities I have, even if I don't feel like it. I'm learning to listen to myself more, and I'm learning what I actually want in my life.

But mostly, I'm learning to believe. Over the past couple months, God's been teaching me about something I've heard called the 'ugly-beautiful (from Ann Voskamp?). It seems like my eyes have always seen, and maybe even have looked for, the ugly. The sin. The bad. But I'm learning--learning to look for the beautiful.

It's so hard.

It's hard to find beauty when a little one tells me she hasn't seen her daddy in 6 years. When a scared teenage girl is forced to get an abortion by an insistent mother. When most of the earth is starving. When our so-called wonderful world is in shambles.

But I'm learning. Because when I see these same people who have had their being ripped out from under them survive, I see the beauty. I listen to the man who's teenage daughter drowned while swimming proclaim the love and mercy of his savior, and I can see. I watch as a woman who has been plagued for years with numerous health problems place her family first. I see the struggling couple smile at the simple enjoyment of their dogs. And I can see.

I'm not alright with the pain and injustice in the world. My life will be a constant fight against the pain that I see.

But I will struggle. I will struggle to find the beauty, to open my eyes to the good. I will find the heaven on earth, because I know Jesus is here in the midst of this chaos. I will learn to appreciate the ugly because of the beauty that emerges from it.

"I want to thrive, not just survive." -Switchfoot

Too Many Crunchy Apples

I ate an apple tonight. I knew that Mumford and Sons was playing in the background, but I couldn't hear the music above the fruit I was crunching on. This elementary realization stopped me. A whisper. "Sometimes you crunch so loud that you forget to be still and listen to what I'm saying."

Love Today

Sometimes I don't want to look out of the window in the morning because I'm afraid that the sun won't be shining. After what seems like an eternity of dreary clouds, my skin is itching to feel warm rays blasting 'happy vitamins' into my skin. This morning I was brave, and I threw back the curtains. The heavens were a light grey. I watched the deathly bare branches jutting harshly against the pale sky, and I decided to try to love today anyway.

Keep In Touch

My dog has been doing this weird thing ever since I got home for Christmas break. She usually sleeps in my parents bedroom while I'm at college, but when I'm home I like to drag her in and cuddle with her at night. But she rebels. She insists on us leaving our doors open so that she can go from room to room in the house at night, spending a few hours with me, and a few hours with my parents--just to makes sure we're all still there. I have a dog who considers it a priority to keep in touch with her family. Score.

Soul Whispers

There's a certain peace you can find if you sit long enough by a body of water and just listen. If you are able to silence all of those rambling thoughts your mind is spitting at you, you can hear it. It's an inner knowing deep in your soul. And if you listen very closely, sometimes it is laced with whispers from the heavens. 

Coming Untrue

The winter can make us wonder
If spring was ever true
But every winter breaks upon
The Easter lily's bloom
Could it be everything sad is coming untrue?
Could you believe everything sad is coming untrue?
-Jason Gray

Just Because

My truck battery was dead. I left a dome light on, and I knew if my dad ever found out, I would never hear the end of it. The first person that popped into my head was an old friend from high school. I called him right away. He came, snickered at my headlamp, jumped my truck, and got back in his car to leave. I told him that I definitely owed him. "If there's anything I can ever do to pay you back, let me know."

"No Emily. Friends don't owe friends." 

It was that light-bulb moment Gru has in Despicable Me. 

Friendship suddenly made sense. 

It's that relationship where if they need something, you're always there--because you want to be. They're the first person you call when you need help, and you're the first person they tell when they get great news. 

I hate making obvious connections, but this is totally what Jesus does. He's that guy who did us a favor we can never repay him for. It doesn't matter though because we're friends with him, and "friends don't owe friends." But knowing he did that for us stirs inside of us a love for him. And so when he 'calls in a favor' to us, asking us to come with him, completely trust him, and follow him wherever, we do. Not because we feel like we need to since he died for us, but just because we want to. 

Swept Away by His Love

"I was carried to the table
Seated where I don't belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don't see my brokenness anymore
When I'm seated at the table of the Lord
I'm carried to the table
The table of the Lord."
-Leeland

Find Them In the Fall

There's just something about fall. Something about wearing vests and scarves. When you can curl up in bed at night with some hot apple cider and a book, and not be too hot. Being able to give hugs more freely, because body heat is more appreciated. Fall reminds me of the positive side to reality. I may be missing home like crazy, but I get to be on my own, having my own adventures and writing my own story. Those few moments that I find my identity again are so sweet. And I always seem to find them in the fall.

the water's great!

After dinner the other night, my dad brought a gift bag into the living room. "We got you a little something the other day and forgot to give it to you," he said. I pulled out a journal, a bouncy ball with a grape on it, and then a pair of sunglasses. They said Boise Bible College on them. WHAT? "This isn't from you!!" I screeched. My parents had just taken the credit for someone else's gift! How evil. My dad then handed me the painting above. WOW. The box my sister was sending me had finally come! "We accidentally opened it,"  mom lied. "Hey, before you go do whatever you do at night, come out and see the sunset." I walked out the front door and there, standing in all her wonderfulness, was my sister. She had driven hours just to come see me. I was shocked. It was pretty much the most surprised I've ever been.

We spent two wonderful days together, watching movies, kayaking, talking, singing, and eating. But the picture she painted for me was something I needed today. I leave for college in three days, and my mind is freaking out. I know what God wants me to do, and I know I'm going to the right place, but everything is new and different. Also, my mom and dad aren't there. And I'm not really sure I can sleep without my dog cuddled up beside me. But seeing this every day reminds me that I need to 'step out of the boat' and experience the life God has planned for me.

I want to walk on the water too.