I've been working at a summer camp in western Washington for the past few weeks, and I'll be here for most of the summer. It's been an amazing experience so far. I traveled by myself to start a job where I didn't know any of my coworkers, and had only met my boss once (and I had forgotten what he looked like in the process). But being here, by myself essentially, has been one of the most fulfilling things I've done. And camp has just started.
Today is my first 'day off' in about 2 weeks. I promised myself that I'd go running this morning. However, in my hurry to leave camp and find some form of coffee, I forgot. I'm learning to forgive myself for things like that. I'm learning to find balance between social time and 'me' time. I'm learning to take advantage of the opportunities I have, even if I don't feel like it. I'm learning to listen to myself more, and I'm learning what I actually want in my life.
But mostly, I'm learning to believe. Over the past couple months, God's been teaching me about something I've heard called the 'ugly-beautiful (from Ann Voskamp?). It seems like my eyes have always seen, and maybe even have looked for, the ugly. The sin. The bad. But I'm learning--learning to look for the beautiful.
It's so hard.
It's hard to find beauty when a little one tells me she hasn't seen her daddy in 6 years. When a scared teenage girl is forced to get an abortion by an insistent mother. When most of the earth is starving. When our so-called wonderful world is in shambles.
But I'm learning. Because when I see these same people who have had their being ripped out from under them survive, I see the beauty. I listen to the man who's teenage daughter drowned while swimming proclaim the love and mercy of his savior, and I can see. I watch as a woman who has been plagued for years with numerous health problems place her family first. I see the struggling couple smile at the simple enjoyment of their dogs. And I can see.
I'm not alright with the pain and injustice in the world. My life will be a constant fight against the pain that I see.
But I will struggle. I will struggle to find the beauty, to open my eyes to the good. I will find the heaven on earth, because I know Jesus is here in the midst of this chaos. I will learn to appreciate the ugly because of the beauty that emerges from it.
"I want to thrive, not just survive." -Switchfoot
