I've been writing a lot lately. I guess it's a good way to express my emotions in a healthy way. Like the other day, there were a few people I just really wanted to scream at. And I did! But they weren't really there. I just pretended they were. Honestly, the past few months have been really rough. Stress, anger and hurt have been building up to the point where I should have reached a breaking point. I haven't yet... I'm not sure if that's a good thing yet or not. I'd forgotten how hard it was to deal with rejection and what feels a lot like betrayal. It's been a while. But now I'm learning who to trust. As painful as it's been... it's been good. Let me explain.
I kinda had my chest ripped open, and my heart torn out by some people I was very close to. When that happened, I realized there had been some things I had pushed to the side, and not dealt with. I had shoved them to the very back of my heart hoping to forget about them. Well it worked for a while! (Stay with me on the 'heart ripped out metaphor) So it was kinda like I had to examine everything. I'm having to deal with a bunch of things I thought I was done with. Actually, having to deal with the 'forgotten' stuff has made it so much harder. But at least it's a work in progress.
It's taken a number on my spiritual life as well. Not to offend or creep out(I'm rather blunt as you'll come to find), but I've been having Satan attack me using every angle possible. I always thought it was the really different people who were attacked and afflicted by this kinda stuff. But the closer I get to God, the more I'm seeing a battle between the light and the dark.... and that battle is over me. My life. My commitment. My soul.
Creepy, scary... but cool at the same time.
Even though I've had good come out of this whole mess, unfortunately it doesn't make it any easier. It still hurts. A lot. It's still taking all my strength to keep standing. There are so many times when I'm so ready to give up. I'm ready to just throw in the towel, and say, "I just can't do it. I'm not strong enough." But then I have to remember that God is. He's way stronger than me. But you know what? It still hurts. There's still pain that's buried deep. And it doesn't seem to be going away.
"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord." -Psalm 27:14
