Souvenirs

I remember waking up in the middle of the night as a little girl, and being super scared. I'd run to my parents room with a pillow and a blanket, and sleep on the floor by their bed. It made me feel safe. I knew that if I was near them, I would be ok.

I remember going mountain biking with my family, riding my pink little barbie bike. I remember tumbling head over heels down a steep gravel hill and getting scraped up from head to toe. We took pictures and rode on.

I remember the stern look on my dad's face as he told me to climb. I looked down from 60 feet to my parents, both standing below. I didn't want to go higher, and yet I did at the same time. "Go up!" my parents yelled up to me. And so with their encouraging words, I drug my tired 9 year old body up the rest of the climb.

I remember standing under our metal carport in Texas, hearing the rain thunder down around me. The lightning was blinding, and the thunder almost deafening. I remember feeling alive.

I remember a Christmas a few years ago when it seemed like my entire world was crashing. I remember sitting with my dad by the tree, finally breaking down. He held me for over an hour as I cried.

I remember the day I first heard God telling me to do something. I remember the phone call. And the pain and tears for months afterwards.

I remember late nights after I would come home for the weekend from school. My mom and I would lay in bed and talk for hours, finally catching up on everything we had missed.

I remember the jamming sessions. Him and I and our guitars, rocking out together.

I remember. And I will keep these memories as my souvenirs.

Reality Check

You complain about a monster

Who lives deep inside me still

You leave your doubt behind

As you move in for the kill

You let nothing hold you back

You hold your ears at my screams

You couldn't possibly be wrong

You're perfect, so it seems

If you looked under the surface

Into every hidden part

Would you find what you expect

In your cold and stony heart?

Are you happy with your choices?

Are you content with what you've found?

Or is true ecstasy of yours

Buried deep beneath the ground? 

Unsatisfied

When will it be enough? When will there be enough death? Is there some sick quota that must be met?

When will the hurt stop? Will the ache ever disappear? Is there no one that will always be there?

What's wrong with me? Am I going crazy? 

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them... and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."" -Revelation 21: 3,4

THIS is what I cling to. THIS is my hope. 

Pondering

I've been writing a lot lately. I guess it's a good way to express my emotions in a healthy way. Like the other day, there were a few people I just really wanted to scream at. And I did! But they weren't really there. I just pretended they were. Honestly, the past few months have been really rough. Stress, anger and hurt have been building up to the point where I should have reached a breaking point. I haven't yet... I'm not sure if that's a good thing yet or not. I'd forgotten how hard it was to deal with rejection and what feels a lot like betrayal. It's been a while. But now I'm learning who to trust. As painful as it's been... it's been good. Let me explain.

I kinda had my chest ripped open, and my heart torn out by some people I was very close to. When that happened, I realized there had been some things I had pushed to the side, and not dealt with. I had shoved them to the very back of my heart hoping to forget about them. Well it worked for a while! (Stay with me on the 'heart ripped out metaphor) So it was kinda like I had to examine everything. I'm having to deal with a bunch of things I thought I was done with. Actually, having to deal with the 'forgotten' stuff has made it so much harder. But at least it's a work in progress.

It's taken a number on my spiritual life as well. Not to offend or creep out(I'm rather blunt as you'll come to find), but I've been having Satan attack me using every angle possible. I always thought it was the really different people who were attacked and afflicted by this kinda stuff. But the closer I get to God, the more I'm seeing a battle between the light and the dark.... and that battle is over me. My life. My commitment. My soul.
Creepy, scary... but cool at the same time.

Even though I've had good come out of this whole mess, unfortunately it doesn't make it any easier. It still hurts. A lot. It's still taking all my strength to keep standing. There are so many times when I'm so ready to give up. I'm ready to just throw in the towel, and say, "I just can't do it. I'm not strong enough." But then I have to remember that God is. He's way stronger than me. But you know what? It still hurts. There's still pain that's buried deep. And it doesn't seem to be going away.

"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord." -Psalm 27:14

A Dying Flame

This fire consumes
What little is left
Embers like pain
Still burning deep

I try to back away
My smoke stung eyes
Still searching
For some escape

Flames licking
At my feet
No matter where
I try and run

So I sit here
And let this fire
Devour me
Wholly and completely

Making charcoal
Of my bones
Crumbling
Into dust

But when these flames
Have died
And the coals
Have all turned black

I will rise
From the ashes
And find my heart again

Insomnia

Well, lack of sleep is encouraging me to write. Honestly, it's not even that late... 20 minutes past midnight to be exact. But for someone who loves sleep as much as I do... it's late. There's so much swirling through my mind right now. I was reading Owl City's blog tonight, and I really like the way Adam describes this phenomenon:

"It’s funny how insomnia has a way of hauling faded memories up from the cellar of the mind, unearthing buried bits of nostalgia from deep within and spreading the broken, jagged pieces out in front of you like a display of junk at a garage sale. It makes you feel cheap and guilty when you didn’t do a thing in the world to kindle the dull burn in your veins or the sting in your eyes. Some nights the painful past unexpectedly pushes up through the floorboards like an ugly nightmarish weed, and by doing so, cultivates and nurtures an entirely new species of headache." (http://owlcityblog.com/2011/05/31/cue-the-sun/#more-5512)

And oh, is this ever true! At the moment, my head feels like ants are gnawing away at my brains, and then crocheting the bits and pieces left into a nice heavy blanket.......... Yes, I do realize that it makes no sense. Thanks for letting me know. But really, I think insomnia does have a way of bringing back memories. It's almost like scraping the scab off of a wound--recent or not. So what is one to do in this situation?
#1) Don't make any big decisions

#B) Stay 'out of this world' with any thoughts-- don't think too deeply or seriously

#4) Stop reading random blogs and go to bed

Now, if only I'd take my own advice.... 

Something Beautiful

Something Beautiful by NeedToBreathe

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, and all I want, I have
You know its still not what I need
Something beautiful

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful


This song really grabbed me tonight. How many times do we look at our lives and say, "I just want something to go right! I want that something beautiful." Reality is, we can't find it on our own. We've got to go to the guy who created that something beautiful! And man, it's hard to really trust God, especially after so many people in life let us down. Is He going to let us drown? It's crazy to think that after we've been hurt so many times that the one person that we can't see, the person we have to have faith to believe his very existence, is the one we can trust the most. We are the safest with the one we can't fully understand. Now, I've only glimpsed beauty... but guys, this is where it is. This is the real deal. This is what you've been waiting for.

Oh and hey, the music video is pretty awesome too! Check it out on youtube:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yq1H3l7kyYU&feature=related

How's this for a first post?

I just realized that I've created a blog... that most likely no one will be interested in reading. I've simply created it to convince myself of my own sanity. When in reality, this blog will probably be the cause of the lack thereof.... Great.